Ah! The Lord was watching the Season 1-6, preparing for the arrival of Season 7. And see for yourself what he found.
Ah! Sometimes, us book readers miss something dear! Like these WTF mysteries that us A Song of Ice and Fire readers would’ve never known. And these mysteries are ones that we will sadly never get to the end of.
WTF IS HAPPENING TO BRAN?
Oh, my sweet summer child… what is happening to you? Why are you looking so stoned? Have you caught a glimpse of your mother and father making out by the weirwood tree? Or is somebody castrating you? What is happening to you? What exactly? Oh, my sweet summer child…
… or is it Meera Reed? Taking your seed? Is she giving you a blowjob? Or maybe it is something else, something darker, something sinister? Or, as according to The Lord, you have came and she is still going up and down! And it is hurting you! Badly!
And thus, thy haveth the stoned look.
WTF DID PODRICK DO TO THE NICE LITTLE GIRLS?
Ah… Please my dear readers, don’t get carried away by this innocent face that will make you believe he’s damned (say it in Jack Sparrow’s voice) he’ll remain a goddamn pillow-writhing virgin for the rest of his godforsaken life. But, but, but… it’s not the look of innocence on his face but…
… the look of a “degenerate” (not the Renly type, mind you!).
The sheer curiosity in his eyes tells you exactly that the bastard is up to no good. The way his jaw is dropped and his tongue is almost coming out tells you that in no fucking way is he up to anything good!
But this? You actually made the harlots like you who were usually paid to behave like they like you. And they liked it some much that they didn’t even took the money! The “little finger” of Littlefinger will certainly get angry after hearing it!
Please Podrick, please; tell us what you did there? And let us take “copious notes” like Tyrion and Bronn! Tell us your mystery…
And thus, all will be pleased!
WTF DID DROGON DO TO DAENERYS?
First, let us remember what Viserys said way back the first time we met Daenerys:
“I’d let his whole khalasar fuck you if need be, sweet sister, all forty thousand men, and their horses too if that was what it took to get my army”
Did he mention dragons? Did he ever fucking mentioned DRAGONS? Sure, Daenerys, you’re two steps ahead of your brother.
Hey, where did the pointy things went? Just where?
Bad, bad, bad Drogon; and here we thought only Lannisters were having incest right now! But Daenerys; with your own children? You should be bloody well ashamed, you conniving, cunning girl!
What? Now, you’re holding your child’s dick in your hand? Oh, Daenerys, what do I say to a slutty Targaryen like you?
But, then, look at her face: the sense of horror is in there. The look of her face fucking tells that she knows she will be pounded hard and deep. But, ahem, what must be done is to be done…
…and thus she rides him! Rhaego must be wondering in the Night Lands (yes, that is where the horse cannibals go after death) if her mother would have ridden him too, considering the fact he is The Stallion Who Mounts The World!
Why doesn’t have noticed you doing the deed yet, seeing that you do it openly in the out in front of everyone? Now that’s a mystery we’ll never get to the end of!
Oh! Dany! But doesn’t it hurt? And considering your son gets bigger and still more bigger every time we meet him…
I think (sighs) …. I have nothing more to say to you, Mother (and bride) of Dragons!
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To read the first chapter of The Lord’s sci-fi “The Lost and The Damned, click here (read it, it’s awesome, or so does The Lord suppose).
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To read about a fun fan theory that the Lord has found in A Song of Ice and Fire, click here. To read about weird or dead storylines most authors run into, click here. To read a comparison on the Gods of Westeros, click here. To read a satire on A song of Ice and Fire & Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, click here and here, respectively.
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